Boundaries Over Bullying: Navigating Anger in Betrayal Recovery

By Lisa Archinal

Rage. Anger. Sorrow. Hostility. These are but a few words to describe my emotions in those first few days, weeks, and months after discovering my husband’s betrayal. Early on, anger was my constant companion. My heart was so raw that the slightest breeze could send me into a blind rage. Like the roaring lion from Aesops fable who suffered from a thorn in his paw, the severity of my pain impacted every part of my life and touched every relationship. 

 

In my story, my husband chose recovery. We committed to a Three-Day Therapeutic Intensive where I agreed to let him live at home and not pursue divorce for one year. The purpose was so I, the betrayed partner, could witness recovery in my betrayer. My husband would also have the opportunity to witness the pain he’d caused and ‘hold the bucket’ so to speak (meaning he would support me while I “vomited” my suffering). The point is, we were together through this tumultuous healing process. 

 

See if you relate to this. There were bad days and worse days in the beginning. Chris, my husband, was doing his recovery work like a poster child for, well, recovery work. But what had already transpired before D-Day (Discovery Day) was so intensely agonizing it didn’t matter in some ways. I was in full-blown capital “T” trauma. This means my emotions were usually in charge, and that could be unpredictable…and scary.

 

My husband was a safe place for me to vent and rage in that he affirmed, validated, and reassured me. There’s a time and a place for expressing those hard emotions to the one who caused them, to be sure. But I learned that uncontrollable raging wasn’t a friend to me. Criticizing him and picking on him did not comfort or bring the healing I so desperately desired. It wrecked my already shaky nervous system. I needed to learn how to manage my anger, so it didn’t manage me or cause more damage to a marriage on the brink. 

 

Know this: there is a profound difference between expressing how your spouse’s actions have affected you and lashing out just to inflict pain in return. Sharing your feelings can create understanding, promote healing, and strengthen connection, even in the midst of conflict. On the other hand, attacking out of hurt does the opposite. It creates barriers, deepens already excruciating wounds, and undermines our efforts at restoration.

 

My spouse and I both committed to working through our trauma recovery in an emotionally healthy way as best we could. In the beginning, it felt like we were building the plane while flying it, meaning we were learning what emotionally healthy recovery looked like as we went.

 

When I overstepped and said something out of bounds, I asked for forgiveness. I sought to make things right when I was in the wrong. Had he wronged me in the most egregious way? Yes! However, that does not justify reciprocating pain for pain. My husband had done a full disclosure, passed his polygraph, and was relentlessly pursuing recovery. Did this make up for what he did? No! The point is, I agreed to stay if he pursued recovery, but that was not a free pass for me to inflict pain on him.

 

If I let him stay and then proceeded to mistreat him, verbally abuse him, and tear him down, then what I am doing is no better than what was done to me. Revenge does not heal a broken heart, despite what Hollywood movies may tell you. 

 

Revenge or bullying is emotionally and mentally unhealthy because it perpetuates a cycle of pain and resentment. It has the power to generate a destructive loop of constant insecurity and distrust. While browbeating may offer a fleeting sense of power or justice, the reality is it creates further emotional distance rather than fostering reconciliation – which is the reason you stayed with him in the first place. Do you want true satisfaction and healing? That comes from processing emotions, setting healthy boundaries, and pursuing forgiveness—not from causing more harm.

 

If revenge isn’t your issue but uncontrollable rage is, then more healing and greater boundaries are needed. You may need to protect your spouse and yourself by limiting interactions until you are able to gain greater control. When I was in a bad place, I had a practice of texting my husband “red light.” That meant it was in both our best interests not to see each other at that time. If I texted “orange light” that meant I was in a fragile place and to proceed with caution. It’s healthy to know where we are emotionally and communicate our needs.

 

There were times I needed to be with my husband so we could work on our recovery together. There were times I needed space to process my feelings. Journaling, therapy, and talking to trusted friends were great outlets to express what was going on in my heart and mind. Again, it’s good and right to allow our husbands to see and hear the consequences of their actions. Those conversations need to be tempered, not filled with unbridled anger.

 

With time, counseling, support, and diligent recovery work, I began to walk again, like that great scary lion with the thorn in his paw when it was finally removed. I was able to experience greater peace within myself and with those around me, including my spouse. By focusing on my recovery work and not on ‘evening the score,’ I was able to find healing and a greater level of joy and intimacy with my husband. There are still days I’m reminded of where that thorn was, but God’s redemption, healing power, and the hard work we have done as a couple has proved to be the salve we’ve needed.

Lisa Archinal

Lisa is a certified coach, trauma survivor, and speaker. She assists women on the road to recovery from trauma caused by their husband’s unwanted sexual behaviors. Lisa is the author of Betrayal Trauma: Survival Guide to the First 90 Days. You can reach Lisa at [email protected].

Attachments and Arousal Transformation

By Josh Meredith

At some point last year I conversed with a long-time check-in partner and the following question came up: “Looking back after these years, and with a more informed lens, what do you think is a vital part of recovery that you can see and understand with better clarity?” Honestly, it was probably not that formal; I did reach a clarity of sorts about the importance of attachment, relationships and recovery.  I had enough miles to see that all my unholy and unhealthy attachments directly stood in the way of forming proper holy and healthy ones (with people and with God). I am speaking of attachment in this sense differently than attachment theory. 

 

I define attachment as oneness, abiding, dwelling, staying, and seeking (safety, comfort, security, coping, nourishment, life).  John 15:4-17 is just one place in Scripture that describes the divine life we can have when we abide in his love.  We want a secure attachment to him so that we do not attach to the lesser things the enemy offers. So also, if we have strong bonds to what the enemy offers and we keep acting out, it will be hard to attach to God in any deep manner.  It is a good thing that our desires can and do change as we pursue Christ and healing with him and pursue healthy relationships.  When we stop acting out we can start to attach to the Lover of our souls in a more profound way.   

 

When we attach to something or someone, (porn or hookup partner for example) we do not allow ourselves to experience the divine light of God’s presence (Psalm 16:11) that provides what we are longing for. You may have heard people say something like this, “You grow in affection for the thing you gaze at,” or, “You become what you behold.” In reference to an orgasmic action, we are attaching with so much more than our soul and body, so we get intertwined at a much deeper level. Patrick Carnes stated the arousal template, is “the total constellation of thoughts, images, behaviors, sounds, smells, sights, fantasies and objects that arouse us sexually.” These templates do not just appear overnight; they come from many experiences where we attach with our bodies, emotions, minds, and wills to something or someone. So, as we encounter the beauty of his light and love in our dark places, our internal desires will begin to change. Jesus once told me a few years ago, “When you are in a state of suffering and want to reach for some vice, you will miss out on an opportunity for this to heal. I do my best work in these painful moments.”  

 

The Holy Spirit is willing and able within us to diminish and sever these unholy attachments, arousals, and associations (this person arouses me because they look like that person or adult film star, etc.) that have accumulated over many years of consumption. In a practical way this can change when we become aware of our arousal template and bring these preferences before the Lord to ask him to start cutting off the attachments we have formed and ask for healing from the reasons we went there. We were looking for him in this desire and longing, anyway.

 

Make a list of attachments if you have not already, bring a recovery partner into this experience even; one by one, we want to ask him to help us see others as he does. You want to pray for those people as you would pray for blessings over a dear loved one. If you are familiar with neural pathways, this is just another way to describe how we create new and healthy or holy neural pathways (and soul-pathways). So the next time you see someone who once was a catalyst to fleshly stirring, you can begin to see them as God does and honor who they are. This is no quick fix. As often as you feel triggered in an unholy way you can choose to bless and pray for that person as you submit your soul and body to Holy Spirit. Looking away is not sustainable. What is sustainable is a life where we see people as God sees them. We want that unholy desire to be captured and transformed by Christ and you can use each opportunity to ask him to do this (hundreds of times–as many as it takes). We were created in his image so we can do this as we heal. Our minds can be renewed (Romans 12:2). We can love as he loves and not as the world loves. There are a great many things we have attached to; a sexual attachment is just one arena. I always want to guide people into a greater encounter with Christ so I will leave you with a simple question to ask him:  

 

“Jesus, what are the attachments and idols that are stealing my ability to better bond to you?” Just sit there and wait with a blank page ready to write what you receive from him.  

 

Renounce them, repent, and turn toward his loving embrace. Share with a trusted friend and keep walking this road of maturing in Christ-like love. You were made to love like him. You are made to co-create something new and beautiful with him.

 

If you want to learn more about how this looks practically, I have a guided prayer process that unpacks all of this. Feel free to reach out if you want that. I am happy to share it. God Bless you with increased hunger for his presence and deep healing in your stories.

Joshua Meredith

Josh is a certified PSAP and an addiction recovery coach. He works with Army and Government leaders to provide healing from unwanted sexual behaviors. You can reach Josh at [email protected].

The Recovery Process

By Dr. Jim Real

In our contemporary society, there is an immediate inclination toward instant gratification. This phenomenon manifests in various aspects, including our purchasing habits and the services we seek. Consequently, it is unsurprising that individuals undergoing recovery processes yearn for rapid results. It is akin to comparing a 100-meter dash to a marathon. Who would prefer to witness a marathon over the exhilaration of witnessing the fastest athletes sprinting a mere 100 meters? In the challenging realm of pornography and sex addiction, patience emerges as a pivotal and often overlooked element of recovery. Recovery is not a linear progression but rather a journey marked by progress and occasional setbacks. It is during this process that a solid foundation is established upon which to construct new recovery skills. Patrick Carnes, one of the pioneers who brought this addiction to public attention, underscored the significance of viewing recovery as a complex condition. 

 

Through my research for my doctoral dissertation and the research utilized for my study, it became evident that pornography and sex addiction can be understood through a biopsychosocial model of recovery. This model posits that addiction is an intermediate phase in a long journey, and patience is an indispensable component. Recovery is not a swift resolution but a gradual rebuilding of one’s self through the development of healthy coping mechanisms for managing life’s stresses and relationships. Promises of quick fixes are rarely effective, and habits are not formed in a short span of time. On average, recovery typically spans at least two years. Carnes emphasizes the importance of exercising patience as the addict makes meaningful, incremental changes through structured programs and therapeutic interventions. 

 

The consequences of impatience during the recovery journey are likely to result in setbacks and relapses. Patience is also crucial for the spouse of an addict, as if the spouse expects a rapid and definitive recovery, akin to removing a gallbladder which resolves the problem, it can disrupt the relationship and trigger the addict’s behavior. If the addict feels compelled to have a quick recovery or risk losing their spouse, they may experience guilt and the fear of losing their spouse may cause them to slip, leading to sexually acting out. Self-compassion is essential in the recovery process, as setbacks are a normal part of it. Recovery encompasses all aspects of the biopsychosocial model, including incorporating regular exercise, developing effective communication skills, establishing strong and healthy relationships, practicing mindfulness and meditation, and maintaining a positive outlook. The image of moving forward, even with small steps, emphasizes the importance of consistent habit formation, which becomes easier and more natural with repetition. This is akin to developing muscle memory in sports, where the movement becomes automatic after repeated practice. 

 

In our relationships, trust is the most fundamental element. Since we have violated trust in our significant relationships, it will take considerable time to rebuild it. Let me provide a metaphorical representation of a relationship with a spouse. Your spouse has constructed a wall made of bricks. If we are impatient, we may attempt to dismantle the wall ourselves, but our spouse will only replace the bricks we remove and potentially increase the wall’s height. Therefore, patience is essential, allowing the spouse to dismantle the wall when they feel ready and secure. The spouse needs to feel secure and safe. Other relationships will need to be repaired through communication, vulnerability and humility. 

 

When cravings arise, we can distract ourselves by “Surfing the Urge.” If we can successfully distract ourselves for approximately 20 minutes through healthy activities and seek support from others, we can maintain sobriety. Mindfulness and meditation are invaluable tools that enhance our awareness of our thoughts, emotions, and triggers. Most individuals operate on autopilot, which can lead to impulsive behavior for those struggling with addiction. Consequently, practicing mindfulness allows us to make informed decisions. Self-recovery alone is often unsuccessful, as evidenced by years of research and personal experiences. Support from a support group and a sponsor or mentor is crucial for recovery. 

 

Additionally, spirituality plays a significant role in the recovery process. Learning about God’s love and allowing him to embrace us fosters self-acceptance. Recognizing God’s unconditional acceptance enables us to embrace our true selves. Remember we are not defined by our worst moment. Furthermore, understanding that with God’s assistance, we possess the strength to pursue recovery providing a sense of empowerment. It is important to remember that recovery is a journey, not a destination. Patience enables us to navigate the challenges and setbacks with greater ease and resilience.

Dr. James Real

James has an Ed.D. in Traumatology and 10 years of experience with mental health and addictions. He is a pastor, counselor, and addiction specialist. You may reach him at [email protected].

Adversity as an Opportunity

By Michael McBee

When the veil of denial is lifted, showing us the full monster that our addiction is, what we are often left with looks like a mountain range of adversity. I call it a mountain range because it is not just one peak that we will have to take on. Many times the success of “submitting” one of our issues will just give us a better view of more that we will need to tackle in the trek ahead. 

 

My go-to Bible verse here is James 1:2-4. “Consider it pure joy my brothers and sisters whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything!”

 

Merriam-Webster shows us that adversity is a noun and defines it as “a state or instance of serious or continued difficulty or misfortune.” What a bummer of a definition! The amazing thing is that each dictionary example I looked at actually showed adversity as a positive thing.

 

Merriam-Webster – Showing courage in the face of adversity.

Collines – He showed courage in adversity.

Britannica – We had to learn to deal with adversity.

Oxford – He overcame many personal adversities. Patience in adversity.

Cambridge – The road to happiness is paved with adversities

Dictionary.com – Friends will show their true colors in times of adversity

 

A quote by motivational speaker Josh Shipp – “You either get bitter or you get better. It’s that simple. You either take what has been dealt to you and allow it to make you a better person, or you allow it to tear you down. The choice does not belong to fate, it belongs to you.”

 

The thing I am most grateful for in that quote is that “It belongs to me!” In a time when it feels like everything is out of our control, how we react to, handle & take on this person, place or thing – Adversity – is 100 percent in our control. 

 

Like working out, when I would run into adversity, I knew it would be beneficial to take it on, but I would quickly find an excuse to not do it instead. Also like working out, when I got past my avoidance phase and started the action of taking on these challenges, I got stronger with each one. 

 

An A.I. synopsis of the Forbes Article, “How Adversity Makes You Stronger” shows five basic lessons from adversity. 

 

  1. Builds mental toughness
  2. Increases empathy
  3. Cultivates gratitude
  4. Redefines success and failure
  5. Buids perseverance 

 

All of these “It Will” statements are great, but how do we become resilient during adversity? Each mountain peak we will have to take on will be unique from others, and we will have to work strategically to its specific characteristics. There are areas of structure we can put in place to help reinforce us during this time. 

 

The American Psychological Association offers these 10 tips for resilience in a time of war:

 

  1. Make connections by keeping in touch with family and friends, while considering your spiritual health as well.
  2. Help yourself by helping others. Volunteer work with community organizations can be empowering and give you a sense of purpose.
  3.  Maintain a daily routine to help give you a sense of stability when the world feels chaotic.
  4. Take care of your body, while also taking time to enjoy leisure activities.
  5. Take a break from the news, especially right before going to bed when you need to wind down to go to sleep.
  6. Have an emergency plan in place to help you feel in control and prepared when the unexpected inevitably occurs.
  7. Put together an emergency kit including the phone numbers of loved ones so you can reconnect as soon as possible.
  8. Nurture a positive view of yourself. Recall the times in your past when you overcame adversity and draw on those skills as you face the current challenge.
  9. The APA reminds us to keep things in perspective by seeing things in a broader context and with a longer time frame. Many people have successfully faced similar issues, and you can too.
  10. Finally, maintain an optimistic and positive outlook by considering the positive things in your life even in the midst of hardship.

 

It’s time to call on God and our brothers so that we can go to war with the adversity in our lives that helped build our addictions into a monster. It’s time to grow into the mature and complete work that God wants for us. The last amazing thing that will come from this is that our positive example will encourage others to do the same. 

Michael McBee

Michael is a Certified Life Coach and Freedom Group facilitator with There’s Still Hope. He leads men through the 90-Day Recovery Program and coaches men one-on-one. You can reach Mike at [email protected]

Fighting Addiction Via Stress Reduction

By Randy Brashears

For over 10 years while living in New England, I was invited to speak to a class of Criminal Justice majors at the local university. These students would one day pursue careers in public safety. It was important that they understood the stressors that would be a part of their daily lives.  Things like shift work, exposure to trauma, performing death notifications, fatal accidents, suicides, homicides, and the media spotlight looking for negative stories.

 

As I was thinking about this, it occurred to me that stress impacts everyone in our society.  Things like family finances, children’s education and wellbeing, conflicts at work, conflicts in the home, traffic delays, crime, politics, hurts, habits, hangups, and the list goes on.

When these stressors hit, we must decide if we are going to handle them positively or negatively.

Some of the negative choices people make are as follows:

 

  • Try to ignore the stress and hope it goes away
  • Isolation from others
  • Beginning or increasing the use of alcohol
  • Beginning or increasing the use of drugs
  • Increasing the intake of sugar (Donuts for Cops)
  • Beginning or increasing the use of pornography
  • Chasing indiscriminate sexual encounters

 

You might imagine that I was a little reluctant to teach this material on a secular university campus and even more so when I delivered this message to a local police academy class.  Would I not get asked to return? The fact is I did not get a return invite to teach in the police academy, but I was repeatedly asked to teach to the university students which I did for over 10 years. 

 

My goal was simple. I wanted these students to enter a career and to be able to retire one day. If they crashed and burned because they did not know how to handle stress, what good would that do for them or for society?

 

The same can be said for the rest of the population. What good is it to blow up our marriage, family, career, and integrity if we do not know how to handle the normal stress of life? So, it is not enough to point out all the bad choices in dealing with stress. How shall we handle stress when, not if, it comes?

 

First, get regular exercise. You should increase the aerobic workout in times of higher stress. Be careful of lifting heavy weights, they increase stress on the body.

 

Second, eat a healthy diet. If your workplace does not provide healthy options, consider packing your lunch. When teaching the college course, I ask the professor for permission to give the students a homework assignment. That always garners some interesting looks from around the room. I instruct them on the next time they enter a 7-11 or similar store, to look around for the few health options that are available. This may come in handy for the night workers when other places are closed.  Items such as protein bars, fruit, health drinks are present if you look for them.

 

Third, find healthy community where you can talk about the stress events in your life. These people will have a track record of giving a listening ear and wise advice.

 

And finally, lean on your faith. Be a part of a faith community who will support you through the ups and down of life. Proverbs 3:5-6 reads, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will direct your paths.”

Randy Brashears

Randy is a Board-Certified Life Coach with the American Association of Christian Counselors and a Certified Professional Mentor. He coaches men in recovery from addiction and life struggles. You can reach Randy at [email protected].

Complete Honesty

By Robert Posner

“Oh, what joy for those whose disobedience is forgiven, whose sin is put out of sight!

Yes, what joy for those whose record the Lord has cleared of guilt,

whose lives are lived in complete honesty!”  Psalms 32:1-2 (NLT)

 

Complete honesty, you have got to be kidding me. The thought of being completely honest is horrifying. If anyone knew what I had done, no one would want to be around me. The psalmist proclaims complete honesty brings freedom and joy, but I struggle to believe it is true. I fear complete honesty will lead to rejection and the loss of relationships. These are the lies that I tell myself. Sometime back I sinned in a way that cost me my ministry and nearly my marriage. For days, I fought the shame and self-hatred alone, in the privacy of a room at a friend’s home. At the advice of a friend, I built up the courage to attend a recovery group for my sin. 

 

I assumed I could sit there, not tell anyone about my sin, and listen and learn. So, I sat there, in my misery, shame, guilt, and sadness, amid a group of men who struggled with the same sin as me. Their complete honesty made me feel even more uncomfortable; my immediate response was to judge them by pointing out, in my mind, how sick they must be. They clearly did not know Jesus! My sin was nothing like theirs. After several weeks of attending the group, keeping everyone at arm’s length, and carrying on shallow conversations, I finally gave in and told it all, in complete honesty! They listened intently and were gracious in their response. A wave of grace, freedom, and joy washed over my soul. Charles Spurgeon was right when he said, “It does not spoil your happiness to confess your sin. The unhappiness is in not making the confession.”

 

What is complete honesty? How do I confess?

 

The first step of complete honesty begins with me confessing some things to myself that are true.  I must confess that my sin is my fault! Yes, others may have acted wrong toward me, hurt me, abandoned me, yet it is my reaction to their sin that I must own. Others may have planted seeds, that circumstances and events may have fertilized, but I am the one who allowed sin to grow. I need to tell myself this truth. It is painful, but it is true. When I see others as the fault of my sin, I am powerless to change my situation and to find victory. Therefore, the first step of complete honesty is confession of my sin, in all its ugliness, to myself. Now I am ready to take the next step toward a clean heart – forgiveness and joy.

 

The second step of complete honesty is the confession of my sin to God. This confession is not because he needs to know something, for there is nothing he does not know. He knows all my sins before I do and before I am even honest with myself about them. Confession is the process of “agreeing with that which is true.” Throughout God’s word he states that he created humanity for holiness, purity, and to reflect His image. So, when I confess my sin to God I am agreeing with him that my thoughts, motives and/or actions were unholy, impure, and contrary to his image. It is in that agreement that I can now walk truthfully with God (Amos 3:3).  If I do not confess my sin to God, I will find myself walking in shame, guilt, and loneliness. Saint Augustine put it this way: “ In failing to confess, Lord, I would only hide you from myself, not myself from you.” In my complete honesty with God I experience, through Jesus, a clean heart, forgiveness, joy, and the power of the Holy Spirit to take the third step of complete honesty.

 

The third step of complete honesty is the confession of my sin to those whem God will use to help me make restitution where needed, seek reconciliation where appropriate, and to build and maintain a life that reflects his image. We are called to live in relationships and community (Hebrews 10:24-25), but sin separates and seeks to destroy relationships and community. When my sin has created separation within a relationship and/or my community, it is my responsibility to be completely honest about my sin with others so we may be reconciled (Galatians 6:1-10).  

 

Confessing my sin to a fellow follower of Jesus, whom I trust, can bring about hope and healing to my relationships and within my community (James 5:16). My honesty with someone else who can pray with me, hold me accountable, and give me guidance; empowers me to live in healthy relationships and community.

 

Are you completely honest? What confessional step(s) do you need to take to develop complete honesty?

 

Oscar Wilde said, “A man’s very highest moment is, I have no doubt at all, when he kneels in the dust, and beats his breast, and tells all the sins of his life.” 

Robert Posner

Robert served as a senior pastor for 26 years. He and his wife, Judy, are Certified Professional Mentors and founders of 2416 Ministries, a comprehensive sexual addiction recovery ministry. You can reach Robert at [email protected].

The Five Recovery Languages

By Scotty Kirchen

You made the life-changing choice to get sober—now it’s time to take charge of how you stay that way. Recovery isn’t one-size-fits-all, and your plan should be as unique and intentional as the decision to begin this journey.

 

When I developed The Five Recovery Languages, I was inspired by the diversity within my recovery group of 18 men. While we shared common struggles, it was clear that our differences—our triggers, reasons for addiction, and ideas about the best path to sobriety—made each of our journeys unique. This led me to question how any single program could effectively serve everyone when our needs and challenges vary so greatly.

 

Most recovery programs follow a one-size-fits-all approach, yet even the best of them succeed with only about 20 percent of participants. Instead of blaming individuals for not adhering to the program, I wondered: could it be that these programs are simply not designed for the other 80 percent? If you’ve found yourself among the 80 percent, it’s not a personal failure—it’s a sign that you need a plan tailored to you. The Five Recovery Languages is that plan, and it’s also a tool for those in the successful 20 percent who want to deepen and personalize their recovery journey.

 

The Five Recovery Languages are:

 

Overview: Recovery Language – Positive Thought Replacement

Positive Thought Replacement is a powerful tool for rewiring the way you think and respond to life’s challenges. In recovery, negative thoughts can be a major stumbling block, often triggering feelings of guilt, shame, or self-doubt. This recovery language focuses on identifying those negative thought patterns and consciously replacing them with constructive, affirming, and empowering alternatives.

 

For example, when a thought like “I’ll never be strong enough to stay sober” arises, you replace it with “I am strong enough to face today, and that’s all I need to do right now.” Over time, this practice helps reframe your mindset, allowing you to focus on progress instead of perfection.

 

By adopting Positive Thought Replacement as part of your recovery, you can break free from the cycle of negativity and build a foundation for long-term resilience and self-compassion.

 

Overview: Recovery Language – Activity Distraction

Activity Distraction is a practical and empowering recovery language that shifts your focus away from triggers and cravings by engaging in purposeful activities. The idea is simple: when negative thoughts, stress, or cravings start to creep in, you redirect your energy into a task or hobby that fully captures your attention.

This could be anything from exercising, cooking, or diving into a creative project to something as simple as going for a walk or organizing a room. By immersing yourself in an activity, you create a mental “pause” that interrupts unhelpful thought patterns and gives you the space to refocus on your recovery goals.

 

Activity Distraction isn’t about avoiding your emotions, but rather channeling them into something productive, helping you build healthier coping mechanisms over time. It’s a versatile tool that not only keeps you grounded in the moment but also adds joy, purpose, and accomplishment to your journey.

 

Overview: Recovery Language – Connecting to Your Higher Power

Connecting to Your Higher Power is a deeply personal and spiritual recovery language that emphasizes building a relationship with something greater than yourself. This connection serves as a guiding force to help you navigate the challenges of sobriety.

 

This recovery language invites you to lean on your Higher Power for strength, hope, and perspective. It can take many forms—prayer, meditation, spending time in nature, or even quiet reflection on what brings meaning to your life. For some, it’s about finding guidance and surrendering control; for others, it’s about grounding themselves in gratitude and a sense of belonging.

 

By incorporating Connecting to Your Higher Power into your recovery, you tap into a source of comfort and resilience that reminds you you’re not alone in this journey. It’s not about following a specific path—it’s about finding what speaks to your heart and gives you the courage to keep moving forward.

 

Overview: Recovery Language – Consequence Reminder

Consequence Reminder is a recovery language that focuses on staying grounded by reflecting on the impact of your past choices and the potential consequences of returning to old behaviors. It’s not about dwelling on guilt or shame but about using the reality of those consequences as a powerful motivator to stay on the path of recovery.

 

This practice involves consciously reminding yourself of what’s at stake—whether it’s your health, relationships, career, or personal sense of peace. For example, recalling how addiction affected your family or how far you’ve come since getting sober can serve as a strong deterrent against relapse.

 

Consequence Reminder is a tool for clarity and accountability. By keeping the costs of past actions in mind, you create a mental checkpoint that helps you make decisions aligned with your recovery goals. It’s not about fear—it’s about harnessing your hard-earned wisdom to protect what you’ve gained and avoid repeating painful patterns.

 

Overview: Recovery Language – Community Support

Community Support is a cornerstone recovery language that highlights the transformative power of connection. Recovery is not a journey meant to be walked alone, and surrounding yourself with a supportive community can make all the difference. Whether it’s a formal group like a 12-step program, an online forum, or simply a trusted circle of friends and family, having people who understand and encourage you creates a safety net of accountability and compassion.

 

Community Support is about more than just attending meetings or sharing your story—it’s about building genuine relationships with others who share similar goals. These connections provide a sense of belonging, offer valuable insights, and remind you that you’re never alone in your struggles or triumphs.

 

By actively participating in a community, you gain the strength and encouragement to face challenges, celebrate victories, and continue moving forward. Community Support fosters resilience through shared experiences and reinforces the idea that recovery is stronger when it’s shared.

 

To discover your personal Recovery Language, take the Five Recovery Languages Quiz at www.rjrny.com. It’s a quick and insightful way to better understand what tools and approaches resonate most with you, empowering you to create a recovery plan tailored to your unique journey. Start your exploration today!

Scotty Kirchen

Scotty is the author of the innovative Five Recovery Languages. This new paradigm helps men and women discover their best approach to lasting recovery. Scotty leads recovery groups and leads men on the road to their best lives. You can reach him at [email protected]. Take the 5 Recovery Languages Quiz at www.rjny.com.

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